Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She bit a glass in half.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
