i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
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