she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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