So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
