I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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