he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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