Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
