yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
