my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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