The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Randomize