allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We smell like vodka and hangover
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
