No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i dont even know how to be here
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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