My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
