in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
