broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize