It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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