Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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