worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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