I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
