If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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