How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My hand turned me down
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
