This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
