im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize