Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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