My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
