Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
