You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
