she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
