Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
