You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
