I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
