Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
