I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I didn't notice because vodka
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize