a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
