maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize