I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
