census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
