I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
