I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
