Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
