yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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