how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
my poor anus
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Randomize