Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
