My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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