Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
