its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
