don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
