stop calling my apartment porn island.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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