Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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