I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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