my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
