I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
