Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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