according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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