During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
