Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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