We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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