so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
