I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
