i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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