Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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