i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize