Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
