Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
