I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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