i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
