I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
