I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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