and my herpes radar will keep us safe
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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