there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
