Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
