Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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