My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
