reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
