Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
